Dear Mr Cameron (I’m sorry, I cannot call you Dave),
Here is what Reading’s Oxford Road thinks about your shiny plastic forehead looming alarmingly out of their nearest billboard:
In retrospect, Mr Cameron, it might have been a good idea to start your pre-election advertising campaign with a less vague, doom-laden, melodramatic slogan (a better idea, of course, would have been to use less makeup in that gleaming action-man photograph. A PM-in-waiting shouldn’t be so concerned about visible wrinkles). As your slightly wobbly lead in the polls indicates, with the economy in such a fragile state we need substance rather than style. Your style, thus far, has been along the lines of ‘Man. Does Gordon Brown suck, or what?’, an unhelpful stance that might have been effective as the leader of an opposition party, but won’t last terribly long once you’re in power. Any policies you’ve tentatively put forward in the past couple of months have been retracted or modified just as quickly (to cut or not to cut? Is marriage tax good or bad? Is transparency only a good thing when it’s not your deputy chairman’s tax arrangements in the spotlight? Inquiring minds want to know). Your speeches tend to rely on Brown-bashing and a distracting overuse of the phrase ‘broken politics’ – seriously, saying it more times doesn’t make it more true – neither of which give any indication of what you would do in government.
In short, I haven’t a clue what your party stands for other than posh people and Labour-hating. I haven’t a blinking clue what goes on in that over-moisturised noggin of yours, which means I have no idea what this country would be like if you were in charge of it. And considering I’m probably your ideal win-over demographic for this election (young, morally conservative, disillusioned Labour voter), that should be cause for concern. I’m afraid I’m also a socialist (you can chalk that up to an financially anxious upbringing), and until you can convince me that you’ve actually met some poor people, let alone that you’re interested in making life easier and fairer for them, then I’ll be sending my vote somewhere else.
Thanks, though. Looking forward to seeing your next billboard effort (and seeing what the residents of Oxford Road will do to it, I confess).