Wardrobe Malfunction (16 + 2)

Don’t worry, I didn’t pull a Janet Jackson (as I haven’t even managed to outgrow a bra yet, the chances of anything at all slipping out are remote. Can someone remind me when my pregnancy curves are scheduled to arrive?).

I’m now at a stage where nothing in my wardrobe really fits properly. Not all of it is actually indecent, but none of it, bar my red furry Christmas pajamas, is comfortable. And you can’t wear Christmas pajamas to work, whether ’tis the season or no. I have just accepted that, until I can have a good long rummage round the shops, I’m going to be claustrophobic in whatever I wear. (As I’ve only got a moderately-sized and not-always-there belly, I’m not nearly big enough for maternity clothes, either, but that’s a whole other problem.) One badly-fitting skirt is as uncomfortable as any other, right?

No. No, it really isn’t. Yesterday I wore a waist skirt – you know, it’s a pencil skirt that comes up to just below your ribs, corset-style? – and it was Not Good. This may seem obvious to the casual observer – when you have no waist, waist skirts aren’t on the yes list – but I figured I could just not zip it up properly, and it’d be fine. Here is a lesson I have learned: do NOT wear anything that covers your entire stomach and does not stretch. Horrible things resulted:

  • First, everything inside my abdomen that usually pushes out was pushed down, instead. So TJ spent the day bouncing on my bladder, and I needed the loo from the minute I got into work. Even when exiting the loo. Even when ON the loo.
  • Second, we had a pub lunch that day. There wouldn’t have been room for a single cocktail sausage, let alone a chilli and cheese jacket potato. By the afternoon I was sitting at a 45 degree angle and practising shallow breathing.
  • Third, apparently some internal items were pushed up, as well as down. I now have an alarming lump underneath my ribs that I’m fairly certain SHOULD NOT be there. I know things are crowded in my torso at the minute, but still – that’s a heck of a long way for my spleen to migrate. I’d like to go ask the doctor what it is, but what if he thinks I’m an idiot, or worse, asks me for another spontaneous urine sample?

I really need to go clothes shopping. Especially as Babycentre informed me yesterday that TJ is now the size of an avocado, but is due a major growth spurt. Over the next three weeks he’ll be doubling in weight and increasing in length. So I confidently expect to be exploding any day now. Exciting, but I’ll need something to wear when I do. Office nakedness is generally frowned upon.


2 thoughts on “Wardrobe Malfunction (16 + 2)

  1. Bryony says:

    my personal suggestion is a belly band. You can have your trousers or skirt unzipped or unbuttoned and the band will hold them up (whilst conveniently hiding the fact that thing are unfastened). The key is to find just the right brand.


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