Dispatch: Rear End to Brain. 8.10am. Front stairs, Taylor & Francis.
Urgent: your trousers are falling down. Repeat: your trousers are FALLING DOWN. Alert! Alert!
Response: Brain to Rear End.
Silly. Course they’re not – there’s a belly band in the way. Are you sure?
Response: Rear End to Brain.
GET TO A TOILET PRONTO, IDIOT.
PS: These trousers are now on the No List, if you hadn’t already gathered.