A Note on I’m-Not-Doing-Enough (30 Weeks)

I do not like it, Sam-I-am.

Is it heresy, to admit to pregnant days where you’re awash with misery? Is it ok to take a break from being giddy at the miracle of life? I think the negativity can mostly be traced to a new baby-related ailment I can’t seem to shake off: parental guilt. Because I’m spending all my time at the moment running from this –

to this –

to this –

When really all I want to do is choose nursery paint, buy curtain fabric and launder baby-sized vests. I want to be memorising my baby’s-first-year manuals so I’m a little less likely to drop TJ on his head the first time he needs a bath. I want to spend time pondering over the changes I need to make in my life so I can be sort of mother I admire. I want to shop for clothes that fit, dang it. And I have only ten weeks left to do all these things, and I do not have a spare minute to give TJ any attention beyond a fairly frequent ‘ouch, move over’ and some Elgar in the mornings.

I’ve had that line from Maura Dooley running through my head a lot this year: ‘I’ll pay whatever toll your ferry needs’. Usually I’ve repeated it to myself when groaning on a toilet floor or wanting to cry about my varicose vein. Because I love this little thing fiercely, and whatever toll needs paying [even the varicose vein? Um. Alright, yes] then I’ll offer it up and then some. The problem is that at the moment – which isn’t helping with the guilt – the things I’d like to offer up aren’t available to me.

Sigh. However. Here’s what I’ve decided:

Maybe what my baby needs the most is a mother with the ability to work through stressful situations without constantly whinging about it.

Maybe what I need is a lesson on how to wait for what I most want.

And maybe being the sort of person who is graceful, kind and selfless under pressure (the sort of person I most decidedly am not) is the very best offering I can give him.

It’s probably lucky I’m being given the opportunity to practice.


3 thoughts on “A Note on I’m-Not-Doing-Enough (30 Weeks)

  1. Dad x says:

    Practice make perfect and by the time little TJ is taking proper breaths and has a real name you will be practically perfect xxx


  2. Nicole says:

    From a complete stranger – being pregnant is hard – you are grateful for your beautiful baby, but you are uncomfortable, tired and in my opinion if you are not scared you are dillusional (not sure I spelt that correctly). You and your baby will learn together, so don’t worry about the reading. Spend lots of time sleeping and resting, you will need the back up. And I think a good moan is needed sometimes. Oh and baby really doesn’t need much when they are born, so relax on that too. It will all come together with time.


  3. Thank you! I’m trying to remember to rest and not worry about it too much. I’ll be glad when I can finish work though – just a few more weeks and I can start thinking about baby vests in earnest 🙂
    (Welcome, by the way!)


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