A Note on I’m-Not-Doing-Enough (30 Weeks)

I do not like it, Sam-I-am.

Is it heresy, to admit to pregnant days where you’re awash with misery? Is it ok to take a break from being giddy at the miracle of life? I think the negativity can mostly be traced to a new baby-related ailment I can’t seem to shake off: parental guilt. Because I’m spending all my time at the moment running from this –

to this –

to this –

When really all I want to do is choose nursery paint, buy curtain fabric and launder baby-sized vests. I want to be memorising my baby’s-first-year manuals so I’m a little less likely to drop TJ on his head the first time he needs a bath. I want to spend time pondering over the changes I need to make in my life so I can be sort of mother I admire. I want to shop for clothes that fit, dang it. And I have only ten weeks left to do all these things, and I do not have a spare minute to give TJ any attention beyond a fairly frequent ‘ouch, move over’ and some Elgar in the mornings.

I’ve had that line from Maura Dooley running through my head a lot this year: ‘I’ll pay whatever toll your ferry needs’. Usually I’ve repeated it to myself when groaning on a toilet floor or wanting to cry about my varicose vein. Because I love this little thing fiercely, and whatever toll needs paying [even the varicose vein? Um. Alright, yes] then I’ll offer it up and then some. The problem is that at the moment – which isn’t helping with the guilt – the things I’d like to offer up aren’t available to me.

Sigh. However. Here’s what I’ve decided:

Maybe what my baby needs the most is a mother with the ability to work through stressful situations without constantly whinging about it.

Maybe what I need is a lesson on how to wait for what I most want.

And maybe being the sort of person who is graceful, kind and selfless under pressure (the sort of person I most decidedly am not) is the very best offering I can give him.

It’s probably lucky I’m being given the opportunity to practice.

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3 thoughts on “A Note on I’m-Not-Doing-Enough (30 Weeks)

  1. Dad x says:

    Practice make perfect and by the time little TJ is taking proper breaths and has a real name you will be practically perfect xxx

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  2. Nicole says:

    From a complete stranger – being pregnant is hard – you are grateful for your beautiful baby, but you are uncomfortable, tired and in my opinion if you are not scared you are dillusional (not sure I spelt that correctly). You and your baby will learn together, so don’t worry about the reading. Spend lots of time sleeping and resting, you will need the back up. And I think a good moan is needed sometimes. Oh and baby really doesn’t need much when they are born, so relax on that too. It will all come together with time.

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  3. Thank you! I’m trying to remember to rest and not worry about it too much. I’ll be glad when I can finish work though – just a few more weeks and I can start thinking about baby vests in earnest 🙂
    (Welcome, by the way!)

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