An Offer You Can’t Refuse (34 Weeks)

Braxton Hicks!

For when you absolutely, positively can’t live without carrying a cannonball in your abdomen.

 

(This is such a hilariously overdone picture of dejection that I really must have been going for sympathy – or not getting it.)

I’ve been having the ole BHs for weeks and weeks, but only yesterday realised what they were: before that, I just assumed TJ was assuming the brace position, for reasons of his own devising. Then I remembered that, talented contortionist he may be, but giant gobstopper he ain’t.  

I wonder how it feels for him, being encased in a steel roll cage twelve times a day? Probably like being one of those lycra-clad sweaty contestants on Gladiators. You know the ones.

Gladiators: READY.

I don’t know why people talk about not being able to tell the difference between fake contractions and the real thing. I don’t yet know from personal experience, but I’m fairly sure real contractions feel (at best) like the most hideous time-of-the-month pain you’ve ever had, instead of a muscle-achey but relatively painless uterus-turning-into-a-boulder sensation. Though heaven help you if you’ve got a full bladder when it happens. This doesn’t end well.

Here’s what, Braxton Hicks aside, Babycentre.co.uk would like me to be aware of in week 34:

  • Apparently I have a month left before D-Day*. I’m not sure how ‘at least six weeks’ equates to one month; maybe they’re using a Mayan calendar.
  • Do I really need to buy a changing table? Babycentre isn’t convinced. I wonder where they stand on borrowing a changing table, since that’s what we’re doing.
  • Is my daily commute a strain? Yes. Hence the impending maternity leave. Next question.

And the most unexpected on my to-do list:

  • Would I like to consider storing my baby’s umbilical cord?

Would I what was that again? I thought this was another one of those sick eating-your-placenta rituals – perhaps you’d present your child’s shrivelled-up rope of life to them on their 18th birthday? Touching – but it turns out you can put it aside for the kind of rainy day where you could use some stem cells. I think I’ll pass, Babycentre, but thanks all the same.

*Using a military operation term for my labour is perhaps appropriate in some ways, but a little more combative than I’d like. Alternatives to consider: E-Day (Emergence Day); BC-Day (Birth Canal Day); NMVV-Day (No More Varicose Vein Day). I’ll give it some thought.

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3 thoughts on “An Offer You Can’t Refuse (34 Weeks)

  1. Sam says:

    Don’t bother with a baby changing table, you just change them wherever you are at the time! couldn’t be bothered with all that running up and down stairs every time!

    Like

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