For when you absolutely, positively can’t live without carrying a cannonball in your abdomen.
(This is such a hilariously overdone picture of dejection that I really must have been going for sympathy – or not getting it.)
I’ve been having the ole BHs for weeks and weeks, but only yesterday realised what they were: before that, I just assumed TJ was assuming the brace position, for reasons of his own devising. Then I remembered that, talented contortionist he may be, but giant gobstopper he ain’t.
I wonder how it feels for him, being encased in a steel roll cage twelve times a day? Probably like being one of those lycra-clad sweaty contestants on Gladiators. You know the ones.
I don’t know why people talk about not being able to tell the difference between fake contractions and the real thing. I don’t yet know from personal experience, but I’m fairly sure real contractions feel (at best) like the most hideous time-of-the-month pain you’ve ever had, instead of a muscle-achey but relatively painless uterus-turning-into-a-boulder sensation. Though heaven help you if you’ve got a full bladder when it happens. This doesn’t end well.
Here’s what, Braxton Hicks aside, Babycentre.co.uk would like me to be aware of in week 34:
- Apparently I have a month left before D-Day*. I’m not sure how ‘at least six weeks’ equates to one month; maybe they’re using a Mayan calendar.
- Do I really need to buy a changing table? Babycentre isn’t convinced. I wonder where they stand on borrowing a changing table, since that’s what we’re doing.
- Is my daily commute a strain? Yes. Hence the impending maternity leave. Next question.
And the most unexpected on my to-do list:
- Would I like to consider storing my baby’s umbilical cord?
Would I what was that again? I thought this was another one of those sick eating-your-placenta rituals – perhaps you’d present your child’s shrivelled-up rope of life to them on their 18th birthday? Touching – but it turns out you can put it aside for the kind of rainy day where you could use some stem cells. I think I’ll pass, Babycentre, but thanks all the same.
*Using a military operation term for my labour is perhaps appropriate in some ways, but a little more combative than I’d like. Alternatives to consider: E-Day (Emergence Day); BC-Day (Birth Canal Day); NMVV-Day (No More Varicose Vein Day). I’ll give it some thought.