Week One with a newborn is over. We have survived. Our heads are bloody, but unbowed, etc, etc. Want to know the essentials? Here they are:
- In case you’ve ever wondered about the question of ‘how long can you survive on two and a half hours sleep a night before you start to feel Really Flipping Ill?’, the answer is ‘about four days’. After this come headaches, hysteria and wholesale consumption of chocolate gateau.
- Boobs are pretty much Henry’s number one priority. Never let it be said that he does not devote himself entirely to his passions. If left unattended he will singlemindedly gum his way through t-shirts and brassieres, launch surprise attacks on biceps and fingers, and crane his neck like a velociraptor in the hope that, around the next corner, food will present itself. It’s amazing how many things are nipple-shaped to this boy (Daddy’s nose: yes; Mummy’s nose: no). So few of them yield actual milk, but he keeps trucking on. The optimism is quite touching. As for me, I spend all of my time being milked. Henry is flat out in a food coma for about half an hour afterwards.
- Newborn nappy changes require superhuman dexterity. It should’ve been one of the tasks on The Crystal Maze. Even week-old babies find it hilarious to let loose the most explosively angry-smelling bowel movements fifteen minutes after you swabbed up the last one. While you’re scrabbling for cotton wool balls and suppressing your gag reflex, he expresses his displeasure at being naked by peeing all over himself and rolling around in it, squealing like a furious urine-soaked piglet. Yesterday he actually farted in my face. The aim was spectacular. He can’t actually giggle yet, but I could tell he was doing it on the inside.
- Body heat rules ok: most of the time, he won’t sleep unless he’s being held. He makes a brilliant hot water bottle.
- We won’t talk about the time we made him have a bath. He’s still suppressing the memories.
- Men and babies: smoking hot.
- He hadn’t been in the house longer than 24 hours before we couldn’t imagine not having him there. I could look at that little face all day. Luckily, from now on, that’s exactly what I’ll be doing.