You guys, I have a little something to tell you about. It’s been an odd week. Of course, I’ll actually be telling you this in January, when a little something will be a bigger something with a spinal column and phalanges, so for now it’s between me and this Word document.
I AM HARBOURING A SECRET BABY. THAT IS THE TRUTH.
Well, almost a baby. We’re at ‘blastocyst’ stage, which doesn’t sound terribly flattering. It’s very early on, but Blastocyst Jeffcoat – pirate king of the seas – has already developed a heartbeat and retinas on the quiet. Sneaky! So it’s been an odd week. No one knows yet except the two of us. I quite like hugging a secret like this to my chest [uterus]. It makes it feel safer, somehow.
I have felt a weird jumble of emotions about the prospect of baby no. 2. Henry has been just the most sparklingly wonderful thing that has ever happened to us – apart from that time we ate Domino’s pizza for a solid week – and I can’t get into my head that the next baby 1) won’t be Henry, or anything like him, and 2) won’t have to replace him. How will there be room for me to love them both as much? How can I split my attention from this boy who deserves everything I can give him? It’s frightening me a little bit, and if that sounds silly to you, well, it sounds silly to me too. I’m just hoping there’ll be enough of me to go around. Perhaps I should eat more pizza.
And yet. And yet. Who wouldn’t want more babies, many more babies, when the first was such a dream? We’ve always wanted a house full of kids, and you have to start somewhere. And who wouldn’t want to share something like that with a husband as marvellous as this one? We’ve anticipated the practicalities, and I’ve squared up to pregnancy again and looked it in the ever-puking face (none of that has started yet, but I’M READY, you jerk. Bring it on).
And through all of that, there was a moment yesterday when I drove home late from some meeting or other, and thought you are a person-in-waiting. You will come with your own self intact. Who will you be, little thing? And suddenly the night felt sacred around me and I was so excited I couldn’t breathe.
I think this will all be just fine.