1. There’s one thing you can’t do with my new hairstyle, and that’s nothing at all. Today we worked and played mostly from underneath a duvet, hibernating from the torrential rain, and I never got around to drying it. Most of it is just frizzy, but the fringe… It looks like my forehead vomited.
2. You can’t make pasta in the microwave. This is something you learn when a) you haven’t done the washing-up in three days, so b) there are no clean pans, and c) pasta in tomato soup is all there is for lunch. We had a good go. The physics is all there. It just kind of looks like the microwave vomited.
3. A little of most things goes a long way. Henry has become obsessed with watching baby TV programmes on my iPhone. I don’t want him glued to a screen, but I can do a lot with ten quiet minutes. This morning we tried Bob the Builder. Henry was entranced (‘CAR! DADDY, CAR! DADDY!’). Bob is the luvviest builder we’ve ever seen, and sounds a bit like a cement-obsessed Kenneth Branagh. After a couple of episodes in a row, though, Henry is slapping the phone out of my hands, actually growling, and getting so excited his fingers spasm and press the exit button over and over. He has discovered, as so many before him, that Kenneth Branagh is best in moderate quantities.
4. Everything has a purpose. I know this because I spend all day explaining what things are not for.
‘Henry, cables are not for biting.’
‘No, the printer is not for dancing on. No, it ISN’T. Climb off.’
‘Darling, scissors are not for boys. Come back. COME BACK, PLEASE. Crap.’
5. When you have a massive, unused bowl of chocolate frosting in the fridge, and nothing to frost, you can always just frost a spoon. And the inside of your mouth. This one self-explanatory.
6. We really shouldn’t make videos of any kind after 7pm. But when he does that cheeseball smile halfway through, I could eat him.