Baby Essentials (33 + 4)

My baby shopping spreadsheet (yes, I have a spreadsheet) is 88 items long. But I know what I’ll be buying first.

Wikipedia says that Sudocrem is for nappy rash. Nappy rash! I scorn this limited vision. One of the firmest principles of my being is that almost anything can be solved with the judicious application of Sudocrem (it’s a source of some amusement for Timothy, who will be known from this point on as The Unbeliever).

Ingrown hair? Use Sudocrem.

Burned yourself on the oven for the fiftieth time? Get out the Sudocrem.

Eczema? Acne? Random sore patch? Do you even need to ask? If I were in struck down in a freak accident involving a bicycle spoke, a small cat and a thunderstorm, you’d come into the kitchen to find me welded to the linoleum, daubing Sudocrem on my third-degree lightning burns.

‘It’s not magic cream!’ exclaims The Unbeliever, every time I recommend it. Oho. Little does he know. Magic cream is EXACTLY WHAT IT IS. I’m about to test its healing capabilities on internal bruising caused by little foetus hands using your kidney as a stress ball, and you’d better believe it’s going to work like a charm.

I know you don’t use nappy cream on newborns, so fret not. But you need to be prepared. Once I’ve got my Sudocrem supplies sorted out, I’ll start thinking about pushchairs (which are thrilling enough to deserve a post all of their own).